As a relationship coach, I work with many people who wish to strengthen their relationships and live with greater awareness and intention as they strive to keep their relationship vibrant, fun and loving.   The common complaint I hear is, "This is great when we are working with you and have this focused time to explore our challenges.  We can hold onto what we learn here for a week, maybe even a bit longer, but our lives get complicated and after a while, we slip back to our old patterns.   How do we find the time and/or remember to keep this going?" 

This is a terrific inquiry, and while there are many tips and tricks you can incorporate, my answer usually focuses on some specific practices you can easily incorporate into your life.

• Speak a vow to each other at the beginning of each day:  this works particularly well when you wake in the morning if you can coordinate your schedules.  (see my blog entry: A Post-Wedding Vow)      
  
• At the end of each day acknowledge something you are grateful for with your loved one,  even if it has been a difficult day between you…it might be how grateful you are that you are able to work through things, or trust that you will come together again.
• Make a specific time to get together at least once a week…make this time sacred i.e a "date night" or a special time after the day is over that you chat without TV or other distraction. 
  
• Find a time to focus on the relationship separate from “date” night.  Monthly is usually reasonable, and weekly if you can fit it in is terrific!  Use this time to  either create a shared vision, or to explore relationship philosophy by read a book on relationships, or discussing how you can each listen better to one another. 
  
• Finally, remind yourself that you and your spouse, partner, friend, lover or family member, are human and will make mistakes.  The simple truth is that neither you or your loved one would do anything to intentionally cause pain.

Share your own thoughts so others can benefit! 

As a wedding officiant, I speak with many couples about their hopes, desires and dreams for their wedding day.  While if not asked that help us ensure we are a good fit for each other. 

Here are some other questions you may wish to ask in the process of selecting your officiant:

Is it as important to them as it is to you, that there is a connection between the three of you?

Are they registered in the state and/or town that you are getting married in?

If they are an ordained clergy, where did they receive their ordination (through a seminary or was it an on-line ordination)?

What is their experience level and what do people say about them?

What does their fee  include (i.e. initial meeting, rehearsal, travel, second meeting, phone time etc)? If their fee includes a rehearsal, but you are not requiring them to be present, will they reduce the fee?

How will they interface with other wedding professionals such as Photographers, Musicians, Videographers, on-site coordinators and/or a wedding planner? 

 Do they have “rules” for what is allowed during the ceremony?

In the event they have an emergency, do they have access to other professionals who will be able to fill-in?  If not, what is your recourse?

Will they leave you with a keepsake copy of the ceremony?

Please let me know if there are other questions that you think are important and that I haven't covered in my past blogs on How to Select a Wedding Officiant.  Finding the right person to officiate at your ceremony can be fun and educational.  Taking the time and starting early enough will ensure that you have the pick of the top officiants in your area.  Enjoy!

A Wedding Officiant that is a guide and "co-creator" of your ceremony is most likely to help you create a meaningful, unique and personal ceremony. Here are some questions that can help you discern if the person you are speaking with can achieve this.

• Are you looking for a religious, non-denominational, spiritual, civil and/ or a mix of traditional and contemporary? Are they open to the type of ceremony you would like to create?
• Are they knowledgeable and creative about the various rituals that can be included in your ceremony?
• Are they willing to provide the right amount of direction based upon your personal needs (not too much, not too little)?
• What are their ideas about including family and friends that you would like involved?
• What kind of help will they provide to you if you wish to write your own vows?
• If you wish to include readings, do they have a selection they will taylor for you given the type of ceremony you would like to create?
• Will they look for themes that are important to you and weave them throughout your ceremony?
• Will they show you a draft ceremony and allow changes and rewrites?

Asking the right questions, and trusting how you feel when you meet with a potential officiant will allow you to select the officiant will help you create a memorable wedding day. Check back for my next blog entry on other considerations to keep in mind when selecting your wedding officiant.

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Finding and Selecting a Wedding Officiant is an important part of your wedding day planning.  This is the person who will help you to create what is considered to be, by many, as "the heart and soul" of your wedding day.  The ceremony not only sets the tone for the entire day, it establishes the foundation for the next phase of your life together as a married couple.  Selecting the right officiant therefore is an important decision and a process you should begin fairly soon after establishing your wedding date.

So where to begin?  Clearly you will want to select a person who is professional, has good communication skills and will be able to create a ceremony that reflects who you are as individuals and as a couple.

So as you begin to meet with people here are some considerations to keep in mind:

• Are you comfortable in her/his presence, will they take the time to get to know you as individuals and as a couple?
• Do you like the sound of their voice and how they speak (this is part of establishing a tone for the ceremony)?
• Is she flexible in her ability to meet your needs?
• Does she/he ask questions that allow you to clarify your personal vision?
• Will they provide ongoing support as needed and allow you free access to them?
• Can she offer coaching to you when you come up against unforeseen obstacles?
• Are you interested in either pre-marital counseling and/or creating a marriage vision and can he facilitate this for you?

The person you select as your wedding officiant is someone you feel confident will listen and help you to create the ceremony that is a true reflection of your unique relationship, values, hopes and dreams.  She is a person who can be a calming influence on your wedding day and can offer you guidance throughout the process. Taking the time to select your officiant will help you create a memorable wedding day.  Check back for my next blog entry where I will explore some specific questions you may choose to ask as you begin the process of selecting your wedding officiant.

     
My greatest passion and life journey can be summed up in one word "relationship".  Whether it is an intimate relationship with my husband, a close friend, my family, or an acquaintance or business associate, I am fascinated by all that can occur, and the impact that we can make on each other, when we bring intention to our actions, thoughts and deeds. 

As a relationship coach, interfaith minister and wedding officiant,  I have the pleasure of working with couples or partners to establish a relationship and/or marriage vision.  This is a wonderful process that allows each person in the partnership to explore their individual beliefs, values and commitments surrounding their relationship.  Sharing this with each other, they create a shared vision which highlights their joint commitments in the day to day unfolding of their lives and future goals.   This vision allows them to begin the process of looking at all the different aspects of their lives; work, family, emotional support, leisure time, financial life, future goals, etc, and to recognize what supports their vision and what does not. 

Relationships are not static, they are alive with possibility.  They change each day as we shift and grow.  When we bring conscious intention to them; when we realize that our relationships offer us the opportunity to become the best person we can be; then we have the desire to keep them vibrant. 

This is not necessarily easy work, but it can be fun, motivating and rich with personal growth and understanding for oneself and your partner.  A vision, like a relationship, is not static.  So regardless of how or where you start, when you create a vision you are also agreeing to an ongoing process of communication, re-evaluation and growth.  

Valentines day is approaching and many people will become engaged and begin looking for wedding venues.  As a celebrant and officiant who travels throughout Massachusetts,  I have been to some wonderful venues.  Here are a few of my all-time favorites west of Boston!

The Barn at Gibbet Hill in Groton


Tower Hill Botanical Garden in Boylston



Nashoba Valley Winery in Bolton
  
                                                                                             
                                                                                                           Chocksett Inn in Sterling





Wayside Inn in Sudbury
  

While there are many other wonderful venues west of Boston, these 5 offer something for everyone.  If you visit, let me know what you think.  Check back for some of my favorite venues in and around Boston!

The vows you exchange at your wedding ceremony are some of the most important words you will ever speak. They are promises from your heart that not only honor your relationship, but also focus on what you are committed to creating together.   As a wedding officiant based in Massachusetts, I often encourage the couples I work with to spend time carefully considering the vows they will use in their wedding ceremony.  If crafted or chosen with intention and forethought, the vows you speak can be a powerful tool in helping to keep your relationship vibrant and healthy for the years to come. 

It does not need to be stressful or complicated, you can begin by searching the internet for vow samples, refer to poetry, song lyrics, philosophy and relationship books...see what speaks to your heart. 

If you are working with an officiant who creates custom ceremonies, they should be able to provide you with samples that are selected specifically for you.  (This is often accompanied with a simple instruction sheet for "putting your vows together").  Then cut and paste...edit words or paragraphs, combine vows, and when you have a rough draft... put them down for a few days.  Come back to them and ask yourself if they feel right and complete.  If not...look for the words that "don't quite capture it" or ask "what is missing?".  Your officiant, if they have taken the time to get to know you,  should be able to help you smooth them out so they "fit" for you. 

Remember to have fun with this...perfection is not needed...keep your heart open and you will find the right words and sentiments.  If you are interested in a more in-depth process, please feel free to read my article on "Writing your Personal Wedding Vows"
Peace and Blessings,  LisaAnn
 

Laura and Brian were married at the Harvard Club in Boston and as their wedding officiant, I was blessed to co-create with them both a memorable and unique ceremony.  From the moment guests arrived they were welcomed by the beautiful Celtic Harp Stylings of Carol McIntyre, who also provided the ceremony music.  A feeling of intimacy was further created as we welcomed and recognized the importance of those gathered to witness and support Laura & Brian's marriage. 

Within their ceremony we shared special moments in their relationship that retold their coming together as friends, partners and lovers.  When they spoke their vows and exchanged rings, the room was filled with joy. 

I was honored to spend time getting to know them and to be an integral part of their special day.  I look forward to being a witness to their future together.  Congratulations Laura and Brian!
(photo courtesy of:Oggi Photography)

In the unfolding relationship with my husband, I sometimes find myself looking into a mirror that does not always show my best "self".  Relationships, whether intimate or fleeting, offer us the opportunity to become better versions of ourselves if we are willing to look at our own human foibles, wounding and complexity as well as our brilliance. 

This was the case for me less than 24 hours ago, when I found myself responding to my husband from an automatic and defended stance, as I tried to "help and support" him during a difficult circumstance.  You see, I was quite attached to seeing him out of pain, and arriving at a place that "I" perceived as compassionate and open-hearted.  In the process, I missed validating his suffering, meeting him where he was, and quite frankly ended up adding to his pain.

My husband, held up a mirror to me in those moments by reminding me that he did not need what I was offering.  It is always hard to notice when you have caused additional pain, or have been non-supportive in an attempt to "help".  It was difficult to face this without running for the hills (another defense of mine, if the truth be told!)  Yet within a few minutes, I was brought back to my heart and the wisdom that resides inside.  Maybe it was the current book I was reading, Jamie's eyes, or simply grace that allowed me to respond more compassionately and consciously...what-ever it was, I became aware, once more, of how subtly my history and defenses lead me to act from a place of fear and avoidance.

Charlotte Kasl in her book "If the Buddha Married" wrote,  "To love better and feel more openhearted and unified with others, start to notice your attachments to thoughts and behavior of yourself and your partner. Whenever you are agitated, upset, angry, mad, or hurt, you have an attachment to something being different than it is or you are afraid of the outcome."  To this I add, "whenever you are unskillful and acting automatically, chances are this too applies!"  To face this part of the "self", to examine it and inquire into it, truly is a powerful path for healing.

As a wedding officiant who customizes ceremonies, I often work with couples who create their own rituals or adapt rituals for their wedding ceremony (which is itself a ritual!).  Rituals such as the Unity Candle, Handfasting, Rose Ceremony, Breaking of the Glass, Water Ceremony, Ribbon Cutting and even the Ring Ceremony, all come from a rich religious, cultural or spiritual context.  However, sometimes because of this association, or any number of other reasons, they do not "feel just right" for people. 

Rituals are designed to honor the significance and meaning of our lives.  So while tradition is lovely, I find myself rewriting explanations, adapting parts of rituals to include others, or creating new ones which bring together different elements of several rituals.  There are no hard and fast "rules", but here are a few of the questions I ask the couples I work with: "Why do you want to do a ritual?" "What is it you wish to honor in your relationship?" "Do you want to include parents or the community?"  "Is God or spirit invited into the ritual?"  "Is there a cultural and/or religious affiliation you want to celebrate?" "Are there rituals you have seen that you like or don't like?" 

In this process, I have co-created chocolate rituals, rock ceremonies, utilized yogic traditions, creatively honored different religious and cultural traditions such as Irish Catholic and Jewish, Buddhist and Christian, Pagan and Taoist, Agnostic and Mystic, and a host of other combination's!  The important part of this is to have fun and play! Please share with us some of the rituals you have created so we can all learn from each other.  (picture: part of a Taoist-Jewish Ceremony where circling was incorporated from a mystical context)